What Happens When We Stop Being So Hard on Ourselves

Most people aren’t born being hard on themselves.

Ever see a preschooler proudly hand someone a drawing, ask for it to be hung on the fridge, and it’s nothing but random squiggles? No hesitation. No apology. Just confidence.

Honestly, we could all use a bit more of that.

So where do we learn—because let’s face it, self-criticism is learned—to be so harsh with ourselves?

For many of us, it starts early. Often as a way to stay safe, connected, or successful in environments where love, approval, or stability felt conditional. Being “hard on yourself” may have once been helpful:

• It helped you avoid mistakes

• It kept you from being judged or punished

• It pushed you to perform, achieve, or stay in control

• It signaled responsibility in chaotic or unpredictable systems

Over time, that voice becomes internalized. What once sounded like a parent, teacher, coach, or culture slowly starts to sound like you.

And because it helped at some point, the nervous system holds onto it.

Why Self-Criticism Feels So Hard to Let Go

For many people, self-criticism doesn’t just feel familiar—it feels necessary.

There’s often a quiet fear underneath it:

• If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll become lazy.

• If I soften, I’ll lose control.

• If I stop pushing, I’ll fall apart.

From a nervous system perspective, self-criticism can function like an internal manager. It tries to prevent danger by anticipating failure before it happens. Especially for people with trauma histories, anxiety, or perfectionism, this inner voice isn’t cruel on purpose—it’s protective.

The problem is that what once protected you may now be exhausting you.

I often say that, like plants, it’s hard to thrive in a harsh environment. That inner voice doesn’t lead to growth. It leads to exhaustion, shame, and disconnection.

So what actually happens when we start being less harsh with ourselves?

The Nervous System Finally Gets a Break

Harsh self-talk keeps the body in a state of threat. Even when nothing “bad” is happening externally, the nervous system can interpret internal criticism as danger.

This is why in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), we talk about both external and internal triggers. Our thoughts can be just as activating to the nervous system as what’s happening around us.

When we soften our inner language, the body begins to shift out of survival mode. Breathing deepens. Muscles release. The brain becomes more flexible and less reactive.

This isn’t about “letting yourself off the hook.”
It’s about creating enough safety for real change to occur.

Motivation Becomes Sustainable

Self-criticism might spark short bursts of action, but it’s rarely sustainable. Shame burns hot—and fast.

Self-compassion works differently. It allows motivation to come from care rather than fear:

• I want to take care of myself.

• I want to feel better in my body.

• I want to show up in ways that align with my values.

This kind of motivation lasts because it isn’t built on punishment.

Mistakes Become Information, Not Proof

When we’re hard on ourselves, mistakes feel personal. A missed goal becomes evidence of failure. A hard day turns into a character flaw.

When we approach ourselves with compassion, mistakes become information:

• What made this harder than expected?

• What support was missing?

• What does my nervous system need right now?

Growth happens faster when mistakes aren’t something we have to defend against.

Relationships Feel Safer

The way we speak to ourselves shapes how we experience connection. When your inner world is harsh, relationships can feel tense—like you’re waiting to be judged or rejected.

As self-compassion increases, so does relational safety. Boundaries become clearer. Repair feels more possible. You’re less likely to assume harm where there is none—and more able to advocate for yourself when there is.

Healing Stops Feeling Like a Performance

Many people approach healing as something they must do correctly. Progress becomes another metric to evaluate.

But healing isn’t linear. There is no “right” way to grieve, process trauma, or grow.

When we stop being so hard on ourselves, healing becomes less about achieving and more about integrating—allowing all parts of the experience to exist without forcing them to resolve on a timeline.

Final Thought

Self-compassion isn’t complacency.
It’s a different strategy—one that works with your nervous system instead of against it.

And often, it’s the missing piece people don’t realize they’ve been withholding from themselves.