How Childhood Wounds Show Up in Adult Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships. Most of my favorite TV shows, movies, and books revolve around them—sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes quietly in the background. Think shows like Parenthood or New Girl, movies like Harry Potter or The Parent Trap, or my favorite book, Firefly Lane. Even when the plot is about something else entirely, relationships are always at the center—shaping the story, driving the characters, and pulling us in.

Maybe that’s why I notice the patterns so much—on screen, in books, and in real life. The way people connect, clash, and grow together isn’t random. I often say to the people I work with, “We are made up of everything that has ever happened to us—the good, the bad, and everything in between.” To me, that means we are shaped by so many things, including the experiences we carry from childhood. Some of those experiences give us a sense of safety and belonging. Others leave behind quiet wounds—ones we might not even realize are still there—until they show up in our adult relationships, influencing how we love, how we fight, and how we try to repair.

Common Types of Childhood Wounds

This idea—that we are shaped by everything we’ve lived through, especially our early childhood experiences—can be surprising. I genuinely believe we are all carrying “wounds” (aka trauma sore spots) from over the years.

Some people may not realize this because they didn’t have what they’d call a “bad” childhood. But just because we didn’t experience physical or sexual abuse doesn’t mean we don’t carry wounds. These can look like:

• Emotional neglect → feeling unseen or unimportant.

• Inconsistent caregiving → difficulty trusting others.

• Criticism or unrealistic expectations → chronic self-doubt.

• Overprotection or enmeshment → struggles with independence.

• Poverty / economic insecurity → constant anxiety about safety and stability, shaping beliefs about worth and security.

• Racism, discrimination, or other systemic oppression → feeling “othered” or unsafe in the world, impacting self-esteem, belonging, and trust.

 How They Show Up in Adult Relationships

So what does this look like when we grow up? The impacts can be subtle and show up in ways we aren’t always aware of.

• Communication Patterns: Avoiding asking for what you need because somewhere along the way you learned your wants and needs don’t matter. Avoiding telling someone what’s bothering you for fear of their reaction (think “sweeping it under the rug”). Or over-explaining and apologizing constantly, feeling the need to justify yourself or even take responsibility for someone else’s emotions.
  Example: You really want help with housework, but instead of saying, “Can you do the dishes tonight?” you stay quiet, stew in resentment, and eventually snap. Or you say it, but add three apologies and a long explanation because you feel guilty for asking.

• Emotional Reactions: If you grew up where it wasn’t safe to show emotions, you probably never learned how to process them. That can lead to shutting down, avoiding emotional topics, or having big reactions to perceived criticism or rejection. Sometimes no one taught you emotional regulation at all, so you may live in a state of dysregulation—frequent anger, anxiety, or tension.
  Example: Your friend cancels plan last-minute. Logically, you know they’re busy, but you instantly feel rejected, hurt, or abandoned—and maybe you withdraw or fire off a text you later regret.

• Boundaries: Some families have poor boundaries (everyone is in everyone’s business, you can’t say no) while others have boundaries so rigid it’s hard to connect.

• Attachment Styles: Our attachment styles are deeply shaped by how our caregivers responded to our needs.

• Anxious attachment: clinginess, needing constant reassurance, fear of abandonment.

• Avoidant attachment: hyper-independence, difficulty forming close relationships.

• Disorganized attachment: a mix of both—wanting closeness but also fearing it.

The Cycle in Action

Here’s a common example I use with clients:
Let’s say I was neglected as a child—that leaves a sore spot. Now, imagine my partner isn’t answering my texts or calls. They might simply be at work and unavailable. But their unavailability hits my sore spot. I might feel angry, panicked, or hurt—not because of what’s happening in the moment, but because it echoes my earlier experience of being neglected.

This doesn’t mean my partner is wrong or intentionally hurting me, but my reaction is shaped by the old wound.

Recognizing Your Patterns

This is why it’s so important to understand our triggers—our sore spots. When I know I’m more sensitive to something, I can pause and ask:

• Is my reaction about this moment or an old wound?

• What does this situation remind me of from my past?

• What do I need right now to feel safe and grounded?

Healing & Moving Forward

Healing these patterns takes time and compassion for yourself. Some ways to start:

• Self-awareness practices: journaling, noticing triggers, reflecting after conflict.

• Inner child work & self-compassion: reconnecting with younger parts of yourself.

• Therapy approaches: EMDR, somatic therapy, CBT, couples therapy.

• Safe, supportive relationships: surrounding yourself with people who respect your needs.

So What Now?

We all have sore spots—none of us gets through life without them. But that doesn’t mean we’re powerless. In therapy, while we might not erase a sore spot completely, we can shrink it. We can learn coping skills that make our reactions less intense. We can build healthier relationship skills that help us be the best partner, friend, or family member we can be.

If any of this sounded like you, know you’re not alone—and healing is possible. Feel free to reach out if you want to learn more.